What's a mother to do?
by spiffytgm
Summary: Helen Plum wants her daughters to be happy. If only her youngest would find a nice boy from the neighborhood and settle down to raise children, maybe Helen could relax a little. Maybe she just needs a gentle nudge in the right direction... Babe if you squint, some cupcakes were harmed...


**Okay, it's time for another story prompt from Babe and Plum Family Challenges on Facebook... The challenge prompt is in bold. I decided that it was time to hear things from Helen's perspective... If you look at it the right way, you'll see where some of Steph's quirks come from...**

 **Anyway, all the characters belong to JE, the mistakes are mine. Let me know what you think, I love hearing from you!**

Sometimes it seems like the universe is plotting against me. I try to help my daughters become the best wives and mothers they could be, but do you think they appreciate it? No. My oldest daughter got divorced from her husband, then had a child out of wedlock. Can you believe it? Why me? I thought I would never live that down, but Valerie has redeemed herself by marrying the father of her child. The sad part is, she's the good daughter.

My younger daughter, Stephanie is a whole other can of worms. That girl has been getting into trouble ever since she was old enough to jump off the garage roof trying to fly. Her divorce was a spectator sport in our neighborhood, and so far she hasn't managed to land herself a good Burg husband. There are times that I'm afraid that she'll never settle down, so I try to take an active role in helping her. What else is a mother to do?

I have been inviting young men from the neighborhood over for dinner for years. Any one of them would make a great husband and an excellent provider, but I honestly think she doesn't even try. That was why I came up with the FOOL PROOF PLAN. When the pastor announced a bake sale for charity, the light bulb flashed over my head, and I raced to sign Stephanie up to volunteer. I'll bake the brownies for her, and when she is working at the sale, eligible, young, churchgoing men will come to her. She's bound to find the man of her dreams!

Stephanie was less than thrilled to find out that I volunteered her to sell brownies at the bake sale, but she missed the broader implications of my plan. I'm pretty sure my mother knew what I was up to, because she spent the whole meal scowling at me and asking Stephanie about the "Hot bounty hunter with the great package". Honestly, there are times when I wish that I found out I was adopted.

The night before the sale, my kitchen was filled with the smell of chocolate baking in the oven. As I waited for the timer to go off, I admit I might have taken a little tipple or two. The next thing I knew, I was face down on the table. The blaring of the smoke alarm woke me up, and the scent of burnt chocolate seared my nose. The brownies were ruined. Actually, they now smelled like Stephanie really did bake them herself. I pulled the pans out of the oven and waited for the smoke to clear before I got ready for a late night trip to the grocery store.

When I got to the Shop N Save, I noticed Stephanie's friend Walter sitting at the curb, looking dejected. He saw me walking towards the door and waved. "Mrs P, you got the old muncheroonies too? I gotta warn you, they don't sell ready made pot roast. Total bummer!"

Like I would eat a pot roast that I didn't make. I walked over to where he was now Standing. "Good evening, Walter. I don't know what the muncheroonies are, but I'm sure that I don't have them. I have to do a lot of baking tonight, and I ran out of chocolate powder. If you would like some pot roast, why don't you wait here for me? When I come out, we can go to my house and I'll heat you up some leftovers." I feel comfortable inviting him over since he's Stephanie's friend. I wouldn't want to see them together, since I don't think I've ever seen him working, but I can't let one of her friends go without a good meal.

His smile lit up his face, and his head started bobbing up and down. "You're like, totally awesome, Mrs P." What a nice young man.

I ran into the store and grabbed flour, eggs, sugar and cocoa. Once I paid for my groceries, I walked outside where Walter was waiting for me. He carried my groceries to the car and then followed me to my house in his RV.

When we got there, I fixed him a huge plate of pot roast. He's such a thin boy, I'm worried that he's not eating enough. He dug in while I got ready to make another batch of brownies. I stifled a yawn as he said, "Mrs P, that's like the best pot roast in the entire universe."

I beamed. "Thank you, Walter. When you've finished your plate, I'll fix you a doggie bag so that you can take some home. I just have to start the brownies."

He picked his head up. He looked adorable with gravy dripping down his chin. I love to see people enjoy my cooking. "Did you say brownies, Mrs P?"

I put down the flour I was measuring and wiped my hands on my apron. "Yes, Walter. I have to make brownies for a bake sale tomorrow."

He shook his head. "Dude, this is like kismet or something. You have the best pot roast ever, and the Moonmobile is filled with the best brownies ever. I was thinking of having a bake sale tomorrow, myself. I would totally trade you the brownies for the pot roast."

I smiled at him. "That's so sweet, Walter, but I want to make fresh brownies from scratch."

He was still shaking his head. "No problemo Mrs P. Moonmade brownies are always freshly made from the finest hundred percent organic ingredients."

Honestly, I was tired and not looking forward to spending another hour or two baking. "Why don't you let me try one and we'll see?"

He got up and went out to his RV. He came back in carrying trays and trays of brownies. He set them down on the table and I selected a small brownie. Walter is a surprisingly good baker, and the brownie tasted wonderful. If he opened a store, he could give Tasty Pastry a run for their money. "This is great, Walter, but how come you have so much?"

He hung his head like he was sad. "We totally had a bunch of overstock, and a friend tipped us off that we were going to have some unwanted visitors in a couple of days. This was the best way to move the merchandise."

He had an overstock of brownie ingredients? Well, that just sounded silly, but who was I to argue when he had the answer to my dilemma. "Thank you, Walter. I would love to trade with you." I went to the fridge and bagged up the rest of the pot roast before he could change his mind. Now that the brownies were a done deal, I could clean up my kitchen and get ready for bed. Once Walter was gone, I went upstairs and laid down, giggling while I wondered what young man was going to catch my daughter's eye.

The next day, Stephanie came and picked up the brownies. She grumbled about having better things to do with her time, but I knew that she'd do it. I stayed at home, giddy with the thought of her calling me to thank me for helping her find the love of her life.

When the phone rang, it wasn't Stephanie, instead Father Michael was on the phone telling me how disappointed he was in my daughter, and that he would pray for my family. WHAT THE HELL? How could she ruin something as simple as going to the church and selling brownies? I apologized for her behavior, not even knowing what was wrong, and hung up.

No sooner had I put the handset down when the phone started ringing again. Emily Beeber wasted no time in catching me up. "You poor thing. I would be mortified if my daughter was arrested at a church bake sale. Is there anything I can do for you?" Stephanie was arrested? What the hell happened? I quickly thanked Emily for her concern, and hung up the phone.

The next few hours followed in a similar fashion. Just about every one of my "friends" called to express their concern about my daughter getting arrested. Apparently she was arrested for possession with intent to distribute drugs. AT THE CHURCH! BY HER EX-BOYFRIEND! WHY ME?

I was taking the roast chicken out of the oven at 5:45 when I got the tingly feeling that let me know my daughter was close. My mother and I went to the door just in time to see the black Porsche that Ranger person drives pull up to the curb. Stephanie got out of the passenger side and slammed the door shut. Before she could take more than two steps, that man was holding her around her shoulders and talking to her. He kissed her on her forehead and they walked towards the house. No sooner were they in the door when Stephanie started yelling. "Mother, what the HELL is wrong with you?"

I was taken aback, so I yelled right back at her, "Me? I'm not the one who was arrested for selling drugs at the church! How could you, Stephanie? My life is ruined, and it's all your fault!"

Stephanie made an O with her mouth and started waving her arms around like a madwoman. "Your life is ruined? My fault? Your life should be ruined, they were your fucking brownies that I took the fall for. Because of you, one of your friends was jealous of how many brownies I was selling and called the police to investigate. Because of you, Joe Morelli came and arrested me today. I'm sure that was part of your plan since he felt me up while he was searching me. I'm just glad that when he tried it a second time, we were in the  
TPD, where there were cameras filming. At least I don't have to worry about Ranger getting arrested for breaking Joe's jaw again since Joe was clearly assaulting me first."

I put my hands on my hips and stared at her. "There is nothing wrong with my brownies, I have no idea what you're talking about."

She mimicked my move. "I'm talking about the marijuana you laced them with. I just can't figure out why you would do that to me!"

I could feel the blood drain from my face. I sat down in one of the kitchen chairs. That Ranger person was standing with Stephanie, rubbing her back in soothing circles. Really, this was all Stephanie's fault. None of this would have happened if I didn't try to help her friend.

I must have said that out loud, because Stephanie said, "What friend were you trying to help?"

I told her what happened when I went to the store. I left out the part about the first batch of brownies burning, but I told her all about my conversation with Walter, and the exchange of brownies for pot roast. Once I got the whole thing out, I laid the guilt on. "So you can see, none of this would have happened if you didn't associate with criminals. Why can't you have a normal job like all the other girls? Better yet, why can't you find a nice man and settle down? Why me?"

Stephanie wasn't having it. "Why you? Why me! I bet you Joanne Malinkowski never gave her daughter pot brownies to sell at church! The only reason I didn't rat you out is the fact that Ranger's lawyers tell me I'll most likely get a fine and community service. It's a sad day when you have to choose between getting a criminal record or narcing on your own mother."

I got up from my chair and walked over to the cabinet where I store my liquor. I muttered to myself, " **So much for sympathy around here**."

Stephanie threw her hands in the air. "You're a piece of work, you know that? You can forget about me coming over here for dinner until YOU are ready to apologize." She turned to my mother and said, "Call me when you're out of the house, grandma. You and I can do lunch or go shopping sometimes." She kissed her on the cheek and turned to leave. My mother shot me a sour look and walked them to the door.

Just before they were out of earshot, I heard Ranger say, "Don't worry, Babe. Ella has a pineapple upside down cake waiting for you at home, and she says there's more where that came from."

She was going to be eating another woman's cake? I looked at the bottle I had gotten out of the cupboard and gently set it back inside. This called for something stronger. Opening the fridge, I took out the plate of brownies that I had saved for myself. They really are good brownies.


End file.
